My Love Life Thus Far...

•      At 10 years old,  boys were nothing to me.  Nothing but disgusting, annoying kids on the playground who teased you or smelly students that sat next to you.  Boys were gross.
•      At 13 years old, I started to want a boyfriend.  I'm not so sure I really understood what a "boyfriend" was, but I knew everyone else had one and I wanted one also The boys I saw daily at school were still the smelly, disgusting ones I always knew, yet the ones that everyone else liked, became the ones I liked as well, thus creating "popularity."  This is when I first started liking boys.
•      At 15 years old, I got my first boyfriend.  Boyfriend #1 was a turmoultious, shaky, puppy dog-like, tidal wave.  That wave rolled 7 months then crashed... I would like to say lessons were learned, but in reality, I was 15 years old and ended this relationship (for good) when I was 16 1/2 or so (?), and this relationship is seriously so far behind me, I can hardly remember it.
•      At 17 years old, I met Boyfriend #2 (and my last thus far).  I was with Boyfriend #2 until I was 24 years old. A total of about 7 years (on and off-- mostly on).  I spent junior year, senior year, and ALL four years of college plus some as his girlfriend.

     

     Well, that takes me to where I am today.  Nearly 25 and single for the first, real time.  Most girls experience "single-dom" at some point of high school or college.  I did... freshman year.  Pshhh... please, I couldn't have gotten a boyfriend freshman year if my life depended on it.  This was an awkward phase in my life, as I'm sure it was for most any freshman girl.  Basically, I was in a relationship, of some sort, from age 15 through now, almost 25.

     Wow.  When was the last time I got a chance to learn about ME? During the 6 months between breaking up with Boyfriend #1 and meeting Boyfriend #2?  Or during those 8 months that Boyfriend #2 and I "broke up" but continued to see each other, basically exclusively?  I was never ALONE.  Ever.  If it wasn't one, it was the other.   If we were broken up, I was sulking.  If we were together, I was taken.  Either way, I never had the true feeling of being SINGLE.

   

    Not until now at least.

  

    This is the first time I have ever completely alone.  And not in a bad way,  but alone with myself.  To learn about me as a person, not as someone attached to someone else.  It's been a long time coming and I feel like an extremely late bloomer.  I feel blessed to have had the last 9 years of memories that I have; and I have no regrets.  Yet...here I am.  Almost 25, and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I am not where I expected to be-- in fact I'm completely where I thought I would never be.  I am what you would call "a planner"... and this wasn't in the plans.  But I guess I need to embrace it, and I'm ready to.

     Although I'm "ready", I'm nervous.  I feel like a 16 year old... inexperienced in the dating world.  I feel like 90% of people know what they are doing by my age, but I have not been out in the real world... not for a loooooong time.

And damn, things look different than I remembered...(or was it imagined?)

     The guys my friends and I have met, or talked to, or have seen, or whatever you would call this...have not been impressive, to say the least.  I don't care to wish all their negative traits publicly, but I'm sure we can all imagine how guys can be... or girls... can't be sexist.  Let's just say, without evil there can be no good, right?  Well... I'm still looking for the good.

Those are few and far between.

In the meantime,  I'm enjoying "me" time.  I spend my days with Bentley (woman's best friend) and my awesome friends and family, running, renting whatever movie I want, cooking, reading, and learning about me and my wants.  I'm not interested in any person at this time.  I like this  single (aka "me") time...and I don't know how long this feeling will last and if I will ever feel it again, so I'm completely taking advantage of it.

     How amazing it is to be so selfish.  

     To do:  what I want, 

                           when I want, 

                                     how I want, 

                                             where I want 

                                                    because I want.

I don't have to think of anyone else but me.  Selfish, right?  I know... and I almost feel guilty about it.  But it's just how I feel.

Regardless, it feels weird to be feeling this at 25 for the first time.  It's definitely uncharted territory I will slowly embark on.  I'll see how it turns out.

... To be continued...