An Open Apology

I need to be honest with myself and with you.  I'm sorry.  I never meant to hurt you... But I did.

It's taken me a long time to see it. I honest to god didn't see it until now or I would have realized sooner. I was so hurt the last months and I was pretty honest with you about it. So when I didn't see it in you... That pain, that hurt... I subconciously tried to inflict it, or spark it. Just so I could see it in you.  

I subconciously tried to make you jealous but even worse was how I'd avoid you. I'd purposely avoid talking to you, and I still do. When we run into each other I never once look you in the eye, I stare at the wall and I eventually just walk away. I can't even muster a goodbye.  Why? I don't know how to small talk with you... "how's your job? Hows school?" I don't know how... We were never just friends. Ever. We were practically attached at the hip since day one and instantly in a relationship. I don't know how to be your friend. Just a normal, everyday, casual relationship.

Not yet anyway.  Give it a couple years, and one day I could see a great friendship.

On top of that, I'm afraid that talking to you like I would any other guy or friend in the room will make me look desperate or make you think I'm trying to be with you or something. I'm scared to give out the wrong vibe or paint myself in a negative light.  I have no idea how to converse with you... And it's so few and far between that we actually run into each other... So I walk away.

I sincerely apologize for any pain I inflicted on my once- best friend. I'm ashamed I ever wanted you to hurt as bad as I did. I don't know how I could wish that pain on anyone, let alone you.  I'm sorry.  

It won't happen again.  I'll try my hardest.  And If it does, know it's my own issues, not you.