Your young adult life is such a vital time when it comes to self discovery and growth. These years were meant for mistakes to be made. For love to be found…and lost. For negative AND positive qualities to become present. To be given a chance to fix those negative qualities and love those that are positive. As I said, this is the time for self growth.
So what happens when you were a little preoccupied during those years? Let’s just say… you didn’t love yourself or even care to learn about yourself until you were WELL past the age most people start. For 7 years I was in a relationship with a great person. I was incredibly happy at times, and naturally, sad at some times. All in all, I wouldn’t change much because it was a learning experience and I met and loved and STILL love wonderful people who became my family and will forever stay that way. I had great experiences and made wonderful memories that I will always cherish.
But…..
Like I said. I didn’t care to learn about me. I focused so much on BECOMING something, that I didn’t care to pay attention to what I actually was. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to skip past the whole college/freedom/partying phase and go straight to the next level. I didn’t see the negative qualities that would begin to rear their ugliness because I was only focused on becoming the person someone else wanted. Not the person I wanted.
I thought “if I only could do this, if I could only be that.” I should have been thinking of how to be the best person I could be so I could one day achieve those aspects of life.
I wanted to go so fast…to speed through my life and my experiences…that I didn’t see how fast I was passing everything else by. Why the rush? I used to know, but I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know why I wanted to fast-forward through life when it is already so short to begin with. I don’t know why I didn’t grow as a person but only as one half of a whole. I don’t know why I’m just figuring this out now at 25. Quarter-life crisis? Nah. I think of it more as a quarter-life awakening. I finally see and truly understand where I went wrong. What I could have done differently.
But why focus on the coulda, shoulda, woulda? I spent so much time racing forward, then so much time looking back. It’s time to look at me as I am now. What can I do to make myself happy today? What do I really need in my life and what can I do without.
The timeline makes me feel pressured, but I guess that timeline is only within myself. At least it should be. I feel the need to be alone.
To make mistakes.
To try new things.
To re-invent myself.
Although I know that “life is what happens when we are making other plans”… I can’t help but think about the direction I am headed. And when I put an age on it all, I feel rushed.
Jina slowly dropped off the radar after getting married and having two gorgeous little girls starting about 4 years ago. We saw less and less of her until we saw NONE of her. Lindsay moved to San Diego during college, but was still very connected by experiences, stories and lots of free long distance, thank God. It wasn’t until after she got married and had the cutest little boy alive, that our lives just felt …different. Ashley, my oldest and dearest friend of 15 years, just had her adorable bundle of joy and is with an amazing guy who I know will one day marry. She was the least expected to step onto the “other side” but life should never be EXPECTED.
So here I am. 25 and not where I thought I would be. Not wanting the things that I thought I would want. Not wanting to be in a relationship. Not wanting to be attached to anything, or anyone.
I guess it’s okay if I don’t meet Mr. Right until I’m 30 and hopefully with new technology it won’t matter if I have kids at 35 (kidding!! ;) ) My age is only as young as I feel (currently that’s 21…and that’s NOT a good thing) so why not spend this time learning to love ME and do things that make ME feel vibrant, young, healthy and NEW.
I’m not where I thought I’d be but I’m where God wants me to be.
Pretty cool!! I kinda went through the same thing as you! Oh and your not re-inventing yourself your just inventing yourself..In my opinion anyways! And age is just a number it means nothing when u really think about it!
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