Work In Progress

How absolutely fitting that as I begin a blog, unaware of how exactly to form my thoughts, I title it "Work in Progress" to implicate the blog is not finished, its still being written and nowhere near being published.  Then I realize that a "Work in Progress" is exactly how I describe my life at the moment.  Nothing feels complete, everything is in disarray, I'm sure of little, yet this life is all I have-- and I want to appreciate every minute that it's mine.

The pressure I tend to feel is the pressure I have bestowed upon myself-- the pressure to have hit certain milestones by my current age.  The pressure to have figured out my life plan-- whether it be children, career, husband, a mix of the three.  But as I sit here, at 26 years old, my life is completely the opposite of "figured out."  I love change, I thrive on change, but I like to have control over it, and not be surprised when I am faced with it. I'm a planner, to say the least, and I like knowing what the plans are. Yet at this point in my life, I can't plan anything.  Because I have NO IDEA.

Career wise-- I thought I would have figured this out.  Who do I want to be? How do I want to spend at least 8 hours a day, 5 days a week? What do I want my ultimate goal to be? ... No clue. Teaching has always been on the agenda, but the education system is so terrible right now, especially for teachers. Preschool? Maybe... long term? No. Hospitality? Maybe?... I just don't know.  And its not a very secure feeling because how am I going to provide for myself like this the rest of my life.  Money is not the most important thing in my life, in fact nowhere near the top of my life goals, but its a necessity.  I need money to support the life I want to have-- a happy, but secure life.

Relationship wise-- It's no surprise that I obviously thought I would be a wife and a mother by now.  The thought of either of those just sounds unbelievable-- I'm not ready for that yet.  I feel I have more life to live first.  Plus, I'm not sure I'll ever find someone I like enough to be around enough to be married to.  I'm not sure I'll find someone who likes ME enough to be married to me.  It's becoming part of my reality, that I may never be the kind to settle down.  It's not a bad thing, it's just interesting how you think your entire life that "marriage" is a milestone you will hit.  You think its a matter of "when", not at all a matter of "if." But a lot of people don't ever get married.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.  It's just weird that I don't know.

Life wise-- Where do I wanna live? California close to my family, where I am able to go to lunch and shopping with my mom as often as I like? Where I can go to Dodger baseball games and concerts with my dad? Or just see my sister and brother?  Or... do I go back to Hawaii, where everyday was an adventure and I was so proud of my independence and the life I was creating?  Where I was growing and learning about myself, and my happiness.

I know life is about the experience, it's about the road getting you to where you need to be.  Sometimes I just wish I could see the road ahead; That I wasn't walking blindly into an unknown.  But at the same time, that is exactly what is supposed to make life exciting, right? I don't know how much more of this life I will be blessed with, so I guess I need to start living everyday to it's fullest rather than worry about not being where I expected to be. 

I'm learning that life is about the journey, not just about getting to end of the road. Because the end of the road, is just that.  The END.  I'll wind up there eventually, but for now, I'm going to embrace walking blindingly down this path and I'll see where it ends up, one day.